10 Tips for Understanding and Improving Your Libido

By Dr Amanda Deeks, PhD

1. What influences your libido?
   We all have our own individual levels of sexual desire or libido. Libido is influenced by psychological and even social factors. Hormones, illness, and medication can all influence our desire for sex. Relationships are one of the most influential factors on libido as it can be pretty hard to desire sex with someone you don't care for or who you are angry with! Your personality and history of sexual relationships, as well as society's expectations and attitudes to sex, also influence libido.
2. Assess your own libido
   How would you describe your level of sexual desire? Do you desire sex frequently, sometimes, every now and then or never? Are you happy with this level? Is it distressing to you that you have never really had a high level of desire or what desire you did have has declined in the past few years? A low libido is only a problem if you perceive it to be a problem. Some people will want to participate in sexual activities all the time while others may never even think about it. If your level of libido worries you or is very different to your partner then it is helpful to seek some help and get suggestions as to what you may be able to do about it.
3. Why do you have sex?
   There are many reasons for having sex and lust is only one of these. Sometimes we have sex to create intimacy, because it is fun and can be pleasurable. It can also be an affirmation of our desirability, to make babies, and sometimes even to avoid conflict.
4. Check your desire switch
   When we first get together with our partner there is often a lot of sex and a lot of intimacy. You just can't keep your hands off each other! At the beginning of a relationship we want to impress and make a greater effort to please our partner. Over time this level of desire might drop away. Many couples think there is something wrong because they don't desire their partner like they used to. It is very natural for desire levels to fall away after the 'honeymoon' period, and this is when the real love begins. It is very important to understand this and know that there is not something wrong with you when the desire switch gets turned down.
5. Understand the physical
   We often jump in to sexual relationships without really understanding or knowing what actually happens to our bodies when we become intimate. When we experience a problem with sex it can be helpful to understand what happens physically during sexual activity, where things can go wrong and what we can do about it to improve our sex life.
6. Accept your libido may be different to that of a man
   Just as there are individual influences on our sexual libido there may also be some differences between men and women when it comes to desire. In general, women prefer being romanced, talking, intimacy and lots of time spent with their partner before the sex stuff happens. Men tend to respond to spontaneity, visual stimulation like pornography, and just having a willing partner. Men do not seem to be as affected by a bad day or fatigue when it comes to sex either. These are generalizations of course but it can be helpful to understand this and discuss these differences with your partner including what your own personal enhancers and distracters to libido are.
7. Stop comparing
   We often think that everybody is having more sex than we are, or that young beautiful, thin people have lots of sex. We want to know the average number of times couples have sex so we can compare where we are at. The truth is we need to think about what is important to us and our partner. If we are happy with our level of libido and our partner is also satisfied then it doesn't matter whether we are keeping up with everybody else or not!
8. Watch out for depression and anxiety
   As you can imagine mood disorders impact negatively on libido. If you are suffering from depression or anxiety it is important that you seek help for this. Hopefully finding the right treatment will also improve your sexual desire.
9. It's okay not to always feel desire when you have sex
   Some women feel that they should desire sex every time they have it. They say they would feel fake if they have sex and they don't feel desire. So, if they don't feel desire then they don't have sex. It's okay to have sex even though we don't feel desire. As long as you care for your partner, there is no coercion, abuse or pain and you find sexual activity enjoyable, then sometimes it is okay to decide to have sex – without desire. Many women say, “Even though I may not be sexually interested at the time, I find once we get going it is very enjoyable and I like the closeness and the benefits to our relationship.”
10. Seek help if you need to
    If you have thought about your libido and are worried about something or it is causing you problems then it is important to do something about it. For example, if you are having problems in your relationship or you have a very different level of desire to your partner and it is causing you concern, then seek professional help, either alone, or if appropriate, together. There are many practitioners, from doctors to specialist psychologists who can help you.

Dr. Amanda Deeks, PhD, is a psychologist specializing in the area of menopause and midlife.

Note: Wearing a Scentuelle libido patch for women and men is a helpful way to renew your feelings of intimacy and desire. Each sexual libido enhancing patch contains a complex scent formula that subtly enhances sexual thoughts, feelings and desire.